What's the difference between an Uzi and an accordion?
The Uzi stops after 20 rounds.
Why do bagpipe players walk while they play?
To get away from the noise.
What happens if you play blues music backwards?
Your wife returns to you, your dog comes back to life, and you get out of prison.
How many punk-rock musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
Two: One to screw in the bulb and the other to smash the old one on his forehead.
A conductor and a violist are standing in the middle of the road. which one do you run over first, and why?
The conductor. Business before pleasure.
Definitions:
string quartet: |
a good violinist, a bad violinist, an ex-violinist, and someone who hates violinists, all getting together to complain about composers. |
glissando: |
a technique adopted by string players for difficult runs. |
subito piano: |
indicates an opportunity for some obscure orchestra player to become a soloist. |
crescendo: |
a reminder to the performer that he has been playing too loudly. |
music: |
a complex organizations of sounds that is set down by the composer, incorrectly interpreted by the conductor, who is ignored by the musicians, the result of which is ignored by the audience. |
What's the difference between a violin and a viola?
The viola holds more beer.
What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat minor.
What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base?
A flat major.
Why was the piano invented?
So the musician would have a place to put his beer.
Why are pianists fingers like lightning?
They rarely strike the same place twice.
"Get up from that piano. You hurtin' its feelings." -- Jelly Roll Morton
"There's nothing remarkable about it. All one has to do is hit the right keys at the right time and the instrument plays itself." - Johann Sebastian Bach
"Piano: A cumbersome piece of furniture found in many homes, where playing it ensures the early departure of unwanted guests."
-- David W. Barber, The Musician's Dictionary.
"I only know two pieces; one is 'Clair de Lune' and the other one isn't."
"Beethoven wrote in three flats a lot. That's because he moved twice."
When asked the difference between a violin and a viola, Victor replied, "a viola burns longer."
Someone requested of Victor Borge that he play something by Bach, to which Victor replied, "Which one, Johann Sebastian or Offen?"
"Flint must be an extremely wealthy town: I see that each of you bought two or three seats."
- Victor Borge on playing to a half-filled house in Flint, Michigan.
The organ is the instrument of worship for in its sounding we sense the Majesty of God and in its ending we know the Grace of God.